One day at a time...joy in the journey continued

I've been watching Joe Walsh's new video of his song "One Day at a Time" this weekend and since I've been really pondering having joy in the journey, that seems to fit right in!  I have a tendancy to be a future thinker in scheduling and planning and anticipating and worrying.  It's good to have a plan and a schedule, but not to be inflexible in it!  I don't want to miss out on today because I'm so focused on everything that is happening next week.  I don't want to be so caught up in looking forward to something that I miss where I am right now.
The time is now for me to live in the moment and live one day at a time.  I realize that our son is growing up so quickly.  If I don't intentionally live in the moment, I miss out on amazing milestones, some really funny stories, and awesome memories.  I am determined to practice taking in the "right now"!  There have been times in my life where I have thought to myself, "I am going to want to remember this moment...every sound, sight, and feeling.  I need to stop and take this in as much as I possibly can."  Last year, I was asked to speak to the student body at Liberty Common High School about gratitude.  I told my entire cancer story from beginning to end with the gratitude moments throughout.  When I finished speaking, everyone in the gym stood and applauded.  That was a moment that I stopped to take in...I wanted to remember everything...the expressions on the faces of my dear Liberty family and the love that I felt that day and the hugs afterwards.  I remember sitting at Christopher's first preschool concert with tears in my eyes...I am so proud of my munchkin!  And there are many more moments like that...but I want to remember the smaller moments too.  I want to treasure compliments from students, kind words from friends, hugs, moments at home with my boys, but I have to be living in the moment for that to happen!
Worrying about the future takes me out of living today.  Matthew 6:34 says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."  The nights that I lose sleep worrying and thinking are not worth it!  I have to choose to let go of my worries and let God handle them.  He will do a much better job!  And while I'm at it, I think I will share my joys with Him too...maybe that will help me focus on enjoying the journey one day at a time!

Finding joy in the journey

When I started taking piano lessons, my friend Dave Lunn (who happens to be the instrumental music director at my school) gave me some priceless words of wisdom.  He told me I should find joy in the journey and enjoy the learning process.  Thankfully, I heeded his advice, and I really have loved every minute of practice and lessons.  Granted, the journey has been brief and not too challenging but definitely joyous!
I have always been a "destination person"...the journey is the means to an end.  I like to plan ahead and set goals and reach the goals.  I have to consciously think about enjoying the process of learning or traveling or working on something.  I just want to reach the goal successfully!  So many times in my school years, I focused on learning/memorizing something for a test, but I did not enjoy the learning enough to actually remember any of the things that I so diligently studied. I wish I had realized how important it was to find joy in the journey of learning.  And I hope I can teach that to my students and my son.
Life is a journey.  As I ponder this statement, I realize that the moment in which my life ends won't really matter, it will be all the moments that made up my entire life time that are important.  The "destination" of my life here on earth is not nearly as significant as the way in which it was lived and the lives that I encountered on the trail.  There have been many significant moments as I hike along the path of my life; memories that I will carry with me forever...some that I intended to remember and some that caused such deep feelings that I couldn't help but remember.  Graduations, our wedding, Christopher's birth, and many of the milestones of Christopher's life are all deeply etched in my heart along with memories from my cancer journey.  Those have been the defining moments...the moments that made me who I am, but certainly not destinations...not ending points in my life.  They are new beginnings!
There will always be a part of me that is heading for the destination...looking for the goal.  But, I think I'm going to try being a "journey person" for a while...I might actually like it!

Let it go

I have said those words many times to various people in the last year.  In fact, after hearing me say let it go over and over, my friend Kalee wrote and recorded a song called "Let It Go" which has become "my song"!  (I'm listening to it right now!)  I realized this morning that I needed to let some things go and I started making a list.  I need to let go of hurt, expectations, needing control, and many more things.  As I wrote my list, it suddenly became clear that my "let it go" list of things all had something in common...FEAR!  Fear of being hurt, fear of being disappointed, fear of not being loved, fear of not being needed, fear of losing relationships, fear of chaos, fear of change, fear of not knowing what to do next...and on and on.  Good grief...I had no idea that there was so much fear in me...no wonder the end of my week was rough! 
I heard once that you have to get rid of things to make room for the things you want in your life.  So I obviously need to let go of all those fears to make room for the things that I want to be evident in my life. The Bible says "There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear..." (1 John 4:18)  The only place I know to find perfect love is Jesus.  His love will "drive out" my fears and replace them with love, joy, and peace.  That's what I want.  That's what I am choosing, even though it means that my way of thinking has to change.  I am praying for change in my life...and for the ability to let things go...things that NEED to go!  I want my life to be filled with faith, love, joy, gratitude, growth, and awesome relationships and I need to make room them!

You are here to be you!

Several weeks ago my friend, Don Rappenecker, asked me "Do you know why you are here?"  I responded quickly, "To make a difference".  He said, "No, it's bigger and simpler that that.  You are here to be you!  No one else can be you!"  I spend alot of time with people and even more time with myself and I have been trying to wrap my head around what that statement means to me. 
I have wasted a horrendous amount of time in my 43 years trying to be like someone else...wishing that I was a better wife, mom, teacher, friend, musician...like someone I know.  Don't get me wrong...having role models is a great thing...but I have to be true to the person that I was made to be!  My teaching style is unique to me, my relationships are "out of the box" (more on that in another blog!), and my musicianship is improving with every practice session.  I am "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14) with a special purpose here on this earth.  There have been times in my life when I think "This is what I'm here for...this is why I was created!"  I love those times!  They give me purpose and encouragement and a reason to go on being me!
However, there should always be room for growth and change and improvement in my life.  I have come to like and even love the person I am, but I am far from perfect.  There will always be opportunities for improvement...there is always something to learn, and I have chosen to be a life-long learner.  Last week, I started piano lessons because I want to play piano.  I will never be a concert pianist, but I am determined to enjoy the process of learning!  If only I could extend that to other parts of my life...enjoying the learning process!
I must be willing to give others the grace to be themselves.  I'm so thankful for the people in my life who love me just as I am!  We all have different gifts and talents for the world.  That is what makes relationships wonderful...no one else is exactly like me and I am not exactly like anyone else.  We should appreciate our differences, add to one another, support one another, and accomplish amazing things together!  Each one of us is "fearfully and wonderfully made" to do something awesome and be a part of a bigger purpose!  I challenge you (and me) to be you...no one else can do it!

I am a rock.

I frequently think that Simon and Garfunkel knew what they were talking about..."I am a rock.  I am an island...And a rock feels no pain; and an island never cries."  I can tolerate all kinds of physical pain, but when it comes to my heart, my pain tolerance drops.  Maybe it's because I wear my heart on my sleeve.  Maybe it's because I let people get close to my heart.  Maybe it's because I feel so deeply about everything.  At any rate, life can be painful to my heart in so many ways and I often wish that it wasn't! 
I used to always respond to hurt with anger.  That was my defense mechanism...my way to avoid true confrontation...and to avoid dealing with the real issue.  It was easier because it simply didn't hurt and I could lash out without thinking or feeling or caring.  But, it was selfish...all about me and my feelings and NOTHING ever changed...especially not me! 
Thankfully, I grew up and let God change my heart.  I realized that the cost of close relationships is getting hurt sometimes.  And, the joy of close relationships is well worth the cost!  I probably drive my family and friends crazy because I need to have hurts and misunderstandings resolved quickly.  I hope I am learning to approach people and situations in ways that diminish the hurt rather than magnify or multiply it.  I am practicing taking a deep breath and thinking before I speak, especially when my emotions are involved.  I would rather not be an instantaneous reactor to hurt, but be a kind and thoughtful friend.  Do my feelings still get hurt?  Yes.  Do I still want to be a rock?  Yes.  Do I still cry over hurts?  Absolutely!  (Some of you have seen it more than you'd like!)  Am I getting better at resolving hurt and protecting the hearts of those who are near and dear to me?  I'm working on it!

Change

Change is not a word that I willingly choose to live by.  In fact, change is usually met with kicking, screaming, crying, and digging my heals into the ground.  I have been a self-proclaimed change hater my whole life.  I have friends who thrive on change...at least to some extent.  They love the thrill of a new challenge and a break from the routine.  I am not one of those people...I love my routine and my schedule and my predictable life! 
Lately, it seems that life has been FULL of change.  I am realizing that change brings room for growth and new blessings.  Unfortunately, I am usually so busy fighting change and grieving the loss of what used to be that it takes me a while to see the silver lining in the cloud.  We now have a kindergartener who sits in the backseat of the car during our half hour commute in the morning and in the afternoon.  My once quiet "me time" has been lost, but I have an hour of conversation with my son that I never had before.  I have a new schedule at school which I thought was going to cause me to lose time spent with my "school family".  In actuality, the time I get to spend with them is even more precious and intentional.  I am teaching new classes this year...more work preparing, but SO MUCH FUN teaching what I love! 
I think maybe my attitude about change is turning around!  Not that I'm seeking change, but I'm realizing that I waste so much precious time fighting it instead of enjoying the blessings and the growth that are happening in me.  Romans 8:28 says that God works in all things for the good of those who love Him.  I don't want to miss the good because I'm bogged down with the change!

The Power of Words

Proverbs 18:21 says that the tongue has the power of life and death.  All too often, I neglect to think about the power of my words.  I allow my mouth to spew whatever my brain is thinking whenever I am thinking it.  If only I could be disciplined enough to think before I speak!
Our words, both good and bad, plant seeds in the hearts of others and in ourselves, that will grow and produce fruit.  I want to be harvesting a crop of GOOD fruit, so I guess I should make sure that the seeds I sow with my words are good seeds! 
Our words could change the way someone thinks about a situation or sees himself or herself.  My husband did this for me this weekend.  He made one simple statement to me..."You do a good job of balancing school work, house work, and spending time with us."  Those words were like a balm to my soul, especially since that is something I struggle with on a daily basis.  I will remember those words and cherish them in my heart for a long time!  Written words of encouragement and affection from friends and family are read and reread by me until they are engraved in my heart.  My goal is to speak and write words to those who mean so much to me that are filled with life, encouragement, gratitude, and love!  I never want those words to be left unspoken!
Our words can have the same effect on our own lives.  The words we speak about ourselves have the power of life and death!  When I hear myself say over and over, "I am not a good writer," I believe it!  Those words grow in my heart and produce fruit (yucky fruit, by the way) that just keeps coming out of my mouth in the form of words...and the cycle starts again.  My point is that the words we say about ourselves are just as important as the words we say to others.  If I want life-giving words coming out of my mouth, then I need to speak life-giving words about myself too! 
Please hold me accountable to what I have written.  I want the words of this blog (as well as the words from my mouth) to be filled with life, encouragement, gratitude, and blessing!

How it all started...

In 2010, I found myself looking for something, even though my life was everything I had ever wanted and more.  I have been a Christian since I was 9 years old, but I found myself slipping into discontent.  I was just beginning my quest for contentment when I was diagnosed with stage 2 colon cancer.  God had a good plan for me, and I became cancer free with only surgery.  Once I was on the other side of colon cancer, I realized that I had much for which to be thankful.  Being a cancer survivor has given me an attitude of gratitude...I see my life, my family, my friends, my circumstances through different eyes...eyes that see the blessings!  And I found the key to contentment...gratitude!
I have been talking about writing a book for the last year..."Everything I Needed to Know I Learned from Colon Cancer".  Not quite true, but it made a good title.  As time passed, I realized that I would never find the time to sit and write a book.  At about the same time, I started hearing words of wisdom from friends that lodged deeply in my heart and stayed with me.  I wrote them down in a notebook that I titled "Gold Nuggets...Words I Want to Live By".  My insightful husband, realizing before I did that I needed to be sharing these words, suggested that I start blogging.  And here I am.  I may be writing this blog for myself...and that's ok...it will help the words that I want to live by get deeper into me.  If you are blessed by anything that I write, that makes it even more worth the effort!