becoming myself

Or "own your identity".  Or "don't even care if anyone sees me dancing".  It's been the struggle of my last 25 years.  After college, I found myself in a roommate situation that left deep wounds and fibrous scars.  Being Dawn wasn't good enough and I heard it often.  I responded by becoming a chameleon, never rocking the boat by speaking up, trying to avoid inevitable rejection.  I was held captive by the fear of rejection for years.  But I'm done with that!  God has set me free from the myriad of fears that plagued me and I have forgiven the hurts that were inflicted on me.

We are complicated and complex people.  No two of us have the same personalities...even genetically identical twins!  God made us this way: in His image but perfectly unique!  There is no one else exactly like me anywhere!  I've spent way too much time trying to be someone else, trying to fit in.  And the world missed out on some of the gifts God gave me to share.

I have a new theme song...Brand New by Ben Rector.  It's been out for a while, but I just heard it for the first time on Friday.  There are two lines in that song that make me want to sing as loud as I can and dance!  "I feel like for the first time in a long time I am not afraid" and "Don't even care if anyone sees me dancing."

If you are ever around me, you already know the real me.  I am enthusiastic (and loud), loving, encouraging, and considerate.  I love to sing and dance and laugh and hug.  You've seen me, but fear has always been inside holding me back.  Keeping me from living fully.  I'm learning to live in freedom, without the chains that have held me for so long.  I am becoming myself!  

seek peace and pursue it

Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech.  He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it.
I Peter 3:10-11

Peace I leave with you; My peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.  John 14:27

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6-7

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.  And be thankful.  Colossians 3:15

I've been longing for peace.  If you look at the news, it won't take long to see that the world is filled with strife and hatred and fear.  If you looked inside my head and my heart this week, you would see fear and anxiety and striving to "fix" and figure out the things in my life that are weighing on me.  None of it is within my control, but the gears of my brain still churn at night worrying and trying to figure it out.  That doesn't give me peace.  The world certainly isn't going to give me peace.

I have a choice.  (Check out the italicized words in the verses above.  They clearly indicate the necessity of choosing peace.)  I can sit in the rocking chair of worry...using up my energy fretting about my worries but not accomplishing anything except making myself more anxious.  Or I can seek and pursue the only Person who gives peace that is beyond my understanding.  It's a no-brainer...think about the things that cause me fear or think about Jesus, who loves me and gives me divine peace.  And yet, I still find my brain dwelling on everything but Jesus.

When I feel a knot in my stomach, I find myself whispering, "Jesus, I need You.  Jesus, I trust You.  Thank you for working in all things for my good."  (Romans 8:28)  And sometimes that is all I can do.  No eloquent words are needed.  Jesus knows my heart.  I only need to fix my mind and my heart on Him.  When I choose wisely, the peace of God fills me up.  I can't find that peace anywhere but from Jesus and His peace is worth seeking and pursuing!    

 

a little bit of light

I've been running in the early morning darkness most of the summer.  My 1970's era neighborhood does not have enough street lights, in my opinion, but I wear a reflective vest and carry a flashlight.  It's not a ginormous 4 D cell maglite.  It fits nicely in my hand, doesn't weigh much, and has an LED bulb that illuminates the next 3 or 4 steps ahead, but a little bit of light makes a huge difference.

I was thinking about the impact a little bit of light has in the darkness as I ran this morning.  In the natural world, one light house can guide ships safely to the shore.  One candle can light up a room.  A campfire illuminates the entire campsite.  The light from one small flashlight keeps me safely running, even though darkness still surrounds me.

The same is true spiritually.  Jesus said, "I am the light of the world.  Whoever follows Me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life."  (John 8:12)  "I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in Me should stay in darkness."  (John 12:46)  We who are Christians have the Light living inside of us and Jesus said we need to let Him shine in the darkness of this world.   "You are the light of the world...let your light shine before men..."  (Matthew 5:14-15)

We are living in a world where the darkness seems overwhelming.  Fear, anxiety, depression, and suicide are rampant and the devil is doing his best to convince us that no amount of light can pierce through the darkness.  It's a lie...don't believe it!  Jesus is THE Light.  Let Him shine in and through you, wherever you are!  A little bit of light brings hope in the darkness!

get used to disappointment

This phrase comes from one of my favorite scenes of "The Princess Bride"...the infamous duel atop the Cliffs of Despair.  I don't like being disappointed (does anyone?) and I've observed many attempts to avoid it among the people around me and I've even tried some of them.  I love having something to look forward to...birthdays, holidays, quality time with family and friends, concerts, and on and on.  I enjoy the anticipation as much or more than the actual event.  (I know...I'm weird, but please stick with me!)  I'm also a planner.  I usually have an idea about how I think things should go.  Rarely, does life follow my plan!

For example, today was a pool day with friends.  All of us have been looking forward to today since we left our last pool day a month ago.  We got to City Park Pool (a fun outside pool) and all was well until the life guards blew their whistles and shouted "every body out, there's poop in the pool!"  So the boys got out and waited for over an hour while the pool staff took care of the "fecal matter" (my son's choice of words).  Not too long after everyone returned to the water, ominous clouds moved overhead.  Thunder and lightening and rain and hail drove us from the pool once more!  This time we moved to an indoor pool for another hour of swimming.  Not quite the relaxing afternoon at the pool that I had envisioned.

I had an attitude choice to make today.  I could choose disappointment and frustration and sadness that things didn't go my way.  Or I could be grateful for some quality time (and sunshine before the storm) with my "just be" friend while we were waiting with the boys.  I chose the second option...in case you were wondering.

Every cell in my body has become convinced of the truth of Romans 8:28, whether things go "my way" or not.  "And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."  I've written about this verse before.  It's one I say to myself more than once a day.  When we love God and respond to His call to fulfill His purpose, He works in ALL things for our good.  Always, always, always.  Even when life doesn't follow MY plan.  Even when I am disappointed.

I will never get used to disappointment.  But, I will feel disappointed now and then.  And when disappointment comes my way, I will remind myself that God is working in ALL things for my good!