Being real

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day.  "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse.  "It's a thing that happens to you.  When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?"
"Sometimes." For he was always truthful.  "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up, or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once.  You become.  It takes a long time.  That's why it doesn't happen to people who break easily, or who have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.  Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.  But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."  from The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams

I have decided that the process of becoming real is life-long.  Sometimes it takes an interruption in our lives to make us realize that we want to be real.  Sometimes it happens so gradually that we open our eyes one day and realize that there is no turning back in this process of being real.  Sometimes it takes pain for us to realize that we are becoming real.  Whatever the case, being real requires relationships and being hurt.  To be real, we must love and be loved.  Being real means that our faults and our imperfections and our emotions show.  But to the people who really love us, those things don't matter.  They just make us more lovable.

Even though my heart's desire is to be REAL, I often struggle with "letting it all hang out".  There is risk involved...rejection, embarrassment, misunderstanding, and more hurt.  I risk being abandoned by people who don't understand or don't really care...and maybe I shouldn't see that as a great loss, but I do.  Maybe that hurt will help me along the path of becoming real.  In spite of the pain, I have come too far to turn back now.  At the end of my life, I want to smile like the Skin Horse and know that I am real!

Live intentionally, love deeply, laugh frequently

I boldly declared this to be my New Year's resolution a week ago.  My friend Robynn commented that I've been living this way as long as she has known me...quite a few years...and I hope that she is right.  Fourteen years ago, I lost my first grandparent quite suddenly.  Grandpa Dow was not the type to say "I love you" and I don't know that I had ever said "I love you" to him either.  I remember crying with my grandma at the hospital and asking her if Grandpa knew that I loved him.  She reassured me that he knew and that he loved me, and that was a turning point in my life.  I decided then and there to live with no regrets; to love deeply and let people know.  That fire was rekindled after my cancer adventure.  Facing an uncertain future slapped me up the side of the head with the reality that I had not been living very intentionally nor loving as deeply as I wanted to.  The truth is...none of us know when our last day here on Earth will be.  When I am gone, I don't want anyone to wonder if I loved them...I want them to KNOW without a doubt!  That being said, I don't say the words "I love you" lightly.  When I say them, I mean them, and I don't go around saying them to just anyone. 

As for living intentionally, it's time to take that up a notch!  I don't want to just be surviving this life...I want to leave a mark!  I want to make a positive impact on the lives of people around me...including my family and my students and my friends (which includes my colleagues!) and my community.   But, as I have written before, I want to enjoy the journey...and that's where laughing frequently comes in!  I don't want to get bogged down in the daily routines and live on auto-pilot.  I don't want to be so serious about life that I forget to enjoy it!  I want to be known as a person with a smile on her face and a joyous laugh and a hug that says even more than my words!

Balance

I am a person of extremes...an all or nothin' girl.  I am struggling to find middle ground; there has to be some balance.  Let me give you some examples from my life...
I drive people insane with my overcommunication or I am silent.
I am obsessed with having a clean house or I go for weeks without cleaning.
I am completely focused on school or completely focused on home...this is a problem when I happen to be physically present at the other one.
I am in the middle of everything or I am hiding in a closet.
My whole heart is in relationships or I completely pull away.
I am happy and joyful or sad and discouraged.
I am focused on others or focused on me.
I am going 100 miles an hour or I am asleep.  (I have a really hard time sitting and doing nothing!)

I think you get the point.  I know that God created me this way and He must have a purpose!  Maybe my real struggle for balance lies in the contrast between being human and being more like Jesus.  I had an epiphany this morning during church.  Jesus left heaven and perfection to come to imperfect Earth and be human.  What a sacrifice!  And yet, I can be certain that He understands my human failings because He triumphed over them!  Whenever I am disappointed, hurt, discouraged, confused, fearful, or any other of the emotions that I dislike, I can be confident that Jesus understands how I am feeling.  I am also convinced that He can help me get out of the pit of despair that I create for myself.  There is my answer...keep my eyes on Jesus and not on me...hold His hand as I walk through this life...and take Him with me wherever I go! 

Close to His heart

Isaiah 40:11 says, "He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart..."  That's where I want to live...close to the heart of my Father God.  I was thinking about this several weeks ago while I was holding my mom and dad's golden retriever puppy in my arms.  She snuggled up to me and put her head on my shoulder.  She was trusting, and peaceful, and she knew that she was safe in my arms.  She was content in my arms for about 20 minutes and then she started wiggling to get down.  When I set her on the ground, she took off running to see what was going on around her.
I am so much like a puppy when it comes to my relationship with God.  I love to be close to His heart and listening to what He has to say to me.  I love to feel the peace, and love, and joy that are in His presence.  But, for some reason, I think I need to wiggle out of His arms and check out what is happening in the world around me.  More often than not, my little sojourns leave me frustrated, insecure, and fearful.  Why would I want to leave God's loving arms?  I am struggling with that question.  It seems so simple, and yet, it is so hard for me to stay there.  I need to remember who God is and who I am.  He is the Good Shepherd and I am His little lamb.  Held in His arms and close to His heart is where I want to stay!

I am NOT God!

I had an attitude changing conversation with my friend, Erin Voorhies, the other day.  I was expressing my frustration over some situations and her response was something like this..."Dawn, you need to back up, let go, and let people make their own choices!"  I've been told that I am a complex person.  Relationships are so very important to me and I tend to be a care-taker, but I am also a problem solver and a fixer...at least when it comes to people issues.  This is a combination that often leads to me feeling responsible for the happiness and well being of my friends and family.  Erin gently reminded me that I am NOT God...I cannot control situations or the responses of people and getting upset about it isn't going to change anything.  God created us with a free will so that we could make our own choices and ultimately choose Him and His ways!
When I think of how it hurts me to watch people make choices that appear to be not the best, I cannot imagine how God feels about my choices on a daily basis.  I am sure that many of my choices are not what God would choose for me, but He lets me choose and learn from my mistakes.  If my omniscient God gives me grace when I  make mistakes, how much more should I be willing to extend grace to others?  My job here on this earth is to be me...to love and encourage and teach and walk beside those in my life as they walk their life paths.  Sometimes I need to take a step back, let things go to God, and remind myself that I am human...and thank God that He is in charge!

Give thanks in all circumstances...

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."  1Thessalonians 5:16-18  I wish that described me!  I get so tired of being run by my human emotions...doubt, hurt, discouragement, frustration...I dislike them all!  There are days that I wish not to be human, not to feel deeply, not to be so affected by the people around me.  There are days when the circumstances of life just wear me down.  There are times when I face situations that seem hopeless and impossible.  That is when I MUST go back to this verse. 
The Apostle Paul knew that we humans have the power to choose; that God created us with a free will.  The key to contentment is choosing to be joyful always.  And choosing to pray continually.  And choosing to give thanks in all circumstances.  Sometimes, I don't FEEL like doing any of them, but that is when it is most important for me to choose to be joyful, and pray, and give thanks.  I can choose to let my emotions run the show or I can choose God's will for me.  That seems like a pretty clear, no-brainer choice!  I start by asking God to show me His perspective and give me His heart.  Then, I find a tiny seed of gratitude in my heart and focus on that.  Then the joy will sprout if I allow it!  The key for me is to stop and think about the choice before me and then to choose God's will: be joyful, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances!  That is the choice that I am going to keep making as long as I am human!

I have a dream!

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to watch Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I Have a Dream" speech in its entirety.  I had never done that before.  Dr. King had a gigantic dream and the faith to believe that it was possible.  He made the ultimate sacrifice to see his dream come to pass.  And it did happen because one man had a big dream...a dream that seemed impossible.
I've been thinking about my own dreams today as I cleaned the house.  When I was in my twenties, I dreamed of being a wife, a mother, a teacher, and a world changer.  Here I am, living the dream and I am thankful!  My guys make it fun and fulfilling to be a wife and mother.  My Liberty family makes my "job" as a teacher my opportunity to be a world changer...one person at a time!  I have to say that my life is so much better than I ever imagined it being! 
There was a time, three years ago, when I felt like I was just barely getting by.  I was in survival mode.  No energy for dreaming, I was just trying to get up in the morning and be a decent person.  I thank God every day that colon cancer interrupted my life!  Not only do I feel better physically, but that was a spiritual and emotional turning point for me too.  Sometimes we need those bumps in the road to remind us what is important...like having a dream! 
I've always been a dreamer, but sometimes I am just too stinkin' practical and realistic to believe that anything is possible.  Do I still have dreams?  Absolutely!  I have a dream to write a book someday.  I have a dream to accompany myself when I sing with guitar and piano.  I still have a dream to be a world changer.  I have a dream to see our son grow up to be a world changer in his own way.  And those are just a few of my dreams, but I believe they are all possible if I will keep my eyes on God and follow Him.  I heard a pastor say once, "If your dreams aren't keeping you awake at night, they are too small!"  I challenge you and me to have big dreams and to do what we can to make them happen!

To love and to be loved is the greatest gift

I am a relationship person.  Everything I do is about relationships...at home, at school, at church, and even facebook.  I am an extrovert who is energized by knowing and loving people, but even I get "empty" sometimes.  I forget to get filled up in my relationship with God.  I heard someone say this week, "God is the only one who can give to us perfectly because He already has everything and He has no needs of His own."  God is the only person who can truly love us unconditionally and fulfill us with everything that we need.  Once we are filled up with Him, His love can overflow our lives and impact the lives around us.  The Bible says we should love the Lord our God and love our neighbors as ourselves, but I certainly can't do that without first receiving His love.
Twenty years ago, Gary Chapman wrote a book called The Five Love Languages.  If you are a relationship person (and even if you aren't), you should read it!  I've had so many conversations in the last two weeks that have made me think about "love languages" and how I can communicate my love, and more importantly God's love, to the people in my life.  This book was written about marriages, but I think it can also apply to my son, my friends, my students, and really anyone else that I spend time around.  Dr. Chapman defines five ways that people give and receive love: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.  I am the most blessed by words of affirmation and quality time and those are the "languages" that I speak the most fluently...the ones that I give easily...but that doesn't mean that I am unable to give to people who have other love languages.  It means I need to intentionally use the other love languages with the people in my life who speak them, and I need to practice them so that I can give the gift of love to my family, my friends, and my students in the way that means the most to them.  To love and to be loved is truly the greatest gift!

His grace is enough

This morning I heard myself singing those words at church..."Your grace is enough for me!"  Unfortunately, I choose to live many days like God's grace isn't enough for me.  Last week at this time, I was so discouraged.  I believed the lies that were being whispered in my ear by an enemy who comes to steal, kill, and destroy.  I was thinking, "No one needs you, no one would miss you if you weren't here, your relationships only matter to you!"  We all have times that we fall prey to the falsehoods.  I am determined to believe the truth that I know in my head and in my heart.  God loves me and wants me!  My boys love me and need me!  My life matters at home, at church, and at school!
So why couldn't I just grab ahold of the truth and get over my discouragement?  I happen to be a person who thrives on words of encouragement and wilts without them.  That's how I gauge whether my life is making an impact, but I often rely too heavily on the words that are spoken by those who are close to my heart to strengthen me. (I am so thankful that my husband seems to know exactly what I need to hear and when I need to hear it!)  Since those words of affirmation are so important to me, I also try to be a speaker of encouragement to others.  I need to listen carefully to the words of grace and love that are spoken to my heart by God so that I can pass them on!  There is my goal...the words I want to live by...His grace and love are enough for me...and I want them to impact the lives around me!

One day at a time...joy in the journey continued

I've been watching Joe Walsh's new video of his song "One Day at a Time" this weekend and since I've been really pondering having joy in the journey, that seems to fit right in!  I have a tendancy to be a future thinker in scheduling and planning and anticipating and worrying.  It's good to have a plan and a schedule, but not to be inflexible in it!  I don't want to miss out on today because I'm so focused on everything that is happening next week.  I don't want to be so caught up in looking forward to something that I miss where I am right now.
The time is now for me to live in the moment and live one day at a time.  I realize that our son is growing up so quickly.  If I don't intentionally live in the moment, I miss out on amazing milestones, some really funny stories, and awesome memories.  I am determined to practice taking in the "right now"!  There have been times in my life where I have thought to myself, "I am going to want to remember this moment...every sound, sight, and feeling.  I need to stop and take this in as much as I possibly can."  Last year, I was asked to speak to the student body at Liberty Common High School about gratitude.  I told my entire cancer story from beginning to end with the gratitude moments throughout.  When I finished speaking, everyone in the gym stood and applauded.  That was a moment that I stopped to take in...I wanted to remember everything...the expressions on the faces of my dear Liberty family and the love that I felt that day and the hugs afterwards.  I remember sitting at Christopher's first preschool concert with tears in my eyes...I am so proud of my munchkin!  And there are many more moments like that...but I want to remember the smaller moments too.  I want to treasure compliments from students, kind words from friends, hugs, moments at home with my boys, but I have to be living in the moment for that to happen!
Worrying about the future takes me out of living today.  Matthew 6:34 says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."  The nights that I lose sleep worrying and thinking are not worth it!  I have to choose to let go of my worries and let God handle them.  He will do a much better job!  And while I'm at it, I think I will share my joys with Him too...maybe that will help me focus on enjoying the journey one day at a time!

Finding joy in the journey

When I started taking piano lessons, my friend Dave Lunn (who happens to be the instrumental music director at my school) gave me some priceless words of wisdom.  He told me I should find joy in the journey and enjoy the learning process.  Thankfully, I heeded his advice, and I really have loved every minute of practice and lessons.  Granted, the journey has been brief and not too challenging but definitely joyous!
I have always been a "destination person"...the journey is the means to an end.  I like to plan ahead and set goals and reach the goals.  I have to consciously think about enjoying the process of learning or traveling or working on something.  I just want to reach the goal successfully!  So many times in my school years, I focused on learning/memorizing something for a test, but I did not enjoy the learning enough to actually remember any of the things that I so diligently studied. I wish I had realized how important it was to find joy in the journey of learning.  And I hope I can teach that to my students and my son.
Life is a journey.  As I ponder this statement, I realize that the moment in which my life ends won't really matter, it will be all the moments that made up my entire life time that are important.  The "destination" of my life here on earth is not nearly as significant as the way in which it was lived and the lives that I encountered on the trail.  There have been many significant moments as I hike along the path of my life; memories that I will carry with me forever...some that I intended to remember and some that caused such deep feelings that I couldn't help but remember.  Graduations, our wedding, Christopher's birth, and many of the milestones of Christopher's life are all deeply etched in my heart along with memories from my cancer journey.  Those have been the defining moments...the moments that made me who I am, but certainly not destinations...not ending points in my life.  They are new beginnings!
There will always be a part of me that is heading for the destination...looking for the goal.  But, I think I'm going to try being a "journey person" for a while...I might actually like it!

Let it go

I have said those words many times to various people in the last year.  In fact, after hearing me say let it go over and over, my friend Kalee wrote and recorded a song called "Let It Go" which has become "my song"!  (I'm listening to it right now!)  I realized this morning that I needed to let some things go and I started making a list.  I need to let go of hurt, expectations, needing control, and many more things.  As I wrote my list, it suddenly became clear that my "let it go" list of things all had something in common...FEAR!  Fear of being hurt, fear of being disappointed, fear of not being loved, fear of not being needed, fear of losing relationships, fear of chaos, fear of change, fear of not knowing what to do next...and on and on.  Good grief...I had no idea that there was so much fear in me...no wonder the end of my week was rough! 
I heard once that you have to get rid of things to make room for the things you want in your life.  So I obviously need to let go of all those fears to make room for the things that I want to be evident in my life. The Bible says "There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear..." (1 John 4:18)  The only place I know to find perfect love is Jesus.  His love will "drive out" my fears and replace them with love, joy, and peace.  That's what I want.  That's what I am choosing, even though it means that my way of thinking has to change.  I am praying for change in my life...and for the ability to let things go...things that NEED to go!  I want my life to be filled with faith, love, joy, gratitude, growth, and awesome relationships and I need to make room them!

You are here to be you!

Several weeks ago my friend, Don Rappenecker, asked me "Do you know why you are here?"  I responded quickly, "To make a difference".  He said, "No, it's bigger and simpler that that.  You are here to be you!  No one else can be you!"  I spend alot of time with people and even more time with myself and I have been trying to wrap my head around what that statement means to me. 
I have wasted a horrendous amount of time in my 43 years trying to be like someone else...wishing that I was a better wife, mom, teacher, friend, musician...like someone I know.  Don't get me wrong...having role models is a great thing...but I have to be true to the person that I was made to be!  My teaching style is unique to me, my relationships are "out of the box" (more on that in another blog!), and my musicianship is improving with every practice session.  I am "fearfully and wonderfully made" (Psalm 139:14) with a special purpose here on this earth.  There have been times in my life when I think "This is what I'm here for...this is why I was created!"  I love those times!  They give me purpose and encouragement and a reason to go on being me!
However, there should always be room for growth and change and improvement in my life.  I have come to like and even love the person I am, but I am far from perfect.  There will always be opportunities for improvement...there is always something to learn, and I have chosen to be a life-long learner.  Last week, I started piano lessons because I want to play piano.  I will never be a concert pianist, but I am determined to enjoy the process of learning!  If only I could extend that to other parts of my life...enjoying the learning process!
I must be willing to give others the grace to be themselves.  I'm so thankful for the people in my life who love me just as I am!  We all have different gifts and talents for the world.  That is what makes relationships wonderful...no one else is exactly like me and I am not exactly like anyone else.  We should appreciate our differences, add to one another, support one another, and accomplish amazing things together!  Each one of us is "fearfully and wonderfully made" to do something awesome and be a part of a bigger purpose!  I challenge you (and me) to be you...no one else can do it!

I am a rock.

I frequently think that Simon and Garfunkel knew what they were talking about..."I am a rock.  I am an island...And a rock feels no pain; and an island never cries."  I can tolerate all kinds of physical pain, but when it comes to my heart, my pain tolerance drops.  Maybe it's because I wear my heart on my sleeve.  Maybe it's because I let people get close to my heart.  Maybe it's because I feel so deeply about everything.  At any rate, life can be painful to my heart in so many ways and I often wish that it wasn't! 
I used to always respond to hurt with anger.  That was my defense mechanism...my way to avoid true confrontation...and to avoid dealing with the real issue.  It was easier because it simply didn't hurt and I could lash out without thinking or feeling or caring.  But, it was selfish...all about me and my feelings and NOTHING ever changed...especially not me! 
Thankfully, I grew up and let God change my heart.  I realized that the cost of close relationships is getting hurt sometimes.  And, the joy of close relationships is well worth the cost!  I probably drive my family and friends crazy because I need to have hurts and misunderstandings resolved quickly.  I hope I am learning to approach people and situations in ways that diminish the hurt rather than magnify or multiply it.  I am practicing taking a deep breath and thinking before I speak, especially when my emotions are involved.  I would rather not be an instantaneous reactor to hurt, but be a kind and thoughtful friend.  Do my feelings still get hurt?  Yes.  Do I still want to be a rock?  Yes.  Do I still cry over hurts?  Absolutely!  (Some of you have seen it more than you'd like!)  Am I getting better at resolving hurt and protecting the hearts of those who are near and dear to me?  I'm working on it!

Change

Change is not a word that I willingly choose to live by.  In fact, change is usually met with kicking, screaming, crying, and digging my heals into the ground.  I have been a self-proclaimed change hater my whole life.  I have friends who thrive on change...at least to some extent.  They love the thrill of a new challenge and a break from the routine.  I am not one of those people...I love my routine and my schedule and my predictable life! 
Lately, it seems that life has been FULL of change.  I am realizing that change brings room for growth and new blessings.  Unfortunately, I am usually so busy fighting change and grieving the loss of what used to be that it takes me a while to see the silver lining in the cloud.  We now have a kindergartener who sits in the backseat of the car during our half hour commute in the morning and in the afternoon.  My once quiet "me time" has been lost, but I have an hour of conversation with my son that I never had before.  I have a new schedule at school which I thought was going to cause me to lose time spent with my "school family".  In actuality, the time I get to spend with them is even more precious and intentional.  I am teaching new classes this year...more work preparing, but SO MUCH FUN teaching what I love! 
I think maybe my attitude about change is turning around!  Not that I'm seeking change, but I'm realizing that I waste so much precious time fighting it instead of enjoying the blessings and the growth that are happening in me.  Romans 8:28 says that God works in all things for the good of those who love Him.  I don't want to miss the good because I'm bogged down with the change!

The Power of Words

Proverbs 18:21 says that the tongue has the power of life and death.  All too often, I neglect to think about the power of my words.  I allow my mouth to spew whatever my brain is thinking whenever I am thinking it.  If only I could be disciplined enough to think before I speak!
Our words, both good and bad, plant seeds in the hearts of others and in ourselves, that will grow and produce fruit.  I want to be harvesting a crop of GOOD fruit, so I guess I should make sure that the seeds I sow with my words are good seeds! 
Our words could change the way someone thinks about a situation or sees himself or herself.  My husband did this for me this weekend.  He made one simple statement to me..."You do a good job of balancing school work, house work, and spending time with us."  Those words were like a balm to my soul, especially since that is something I struggle with on a daily basis.  I will remember those words and cherish them in my heart for a long time!  Written words of encouragement and affection from friends and family are read and reread by me until they are engraved in my heart.  My goal is to speak and write words to those who mean so much to me that are filled with life, encouragement, gratitude, and love!  I never want those words to be left unspoken!
Our words can have the same effect on our own lives.  The words we speak about ourselves have the power of life and death!  When I hear myself say over and over, "I am not a good writer," I believe it!  Those words grow in my heart and produce fruit (yucky fruit, by the way) that just keeps coming out of my mouth in the form of words...and the cycle starts again.  My point is that the words we say about ourselves are just as important as the words we say to others.  If I want life-giving words coming out of my mouth, then I need to speak life-giving words about myself too! 
Please hold me accountable to what I have written.  I want the words of this blog (as well as the words from my mouth) to be filled with life, encouragement, gratitude, and blessing!

How it all started...

In 2010, I found myself looking for something, even though my life was everything I had ever wanted and more.  I have been a Christian since I was 9 years old, but I found myself slipping into discontent.  I was just beginning my quest for contentment when I was diagnosed with stage 2 colon cancer.  God had a good plan for me, and I became cancer free with only surgery.  Once I was on the other side of colon cancer, I realized that I had much for which to be thankful.  Being a cancer survivor has given me an attitude of gratitude...I see my life, my family, my friends, my circumstances through different eyes...eyes that see the blessings!  And I found the key to contentment...gratitude!
I have been talking about writing a book for the last year..."Everything I Needed to Know I Learned from Colon Cancer".  Not quite true, but it made a good title.  As time passed, I realized that I would never find the time to sit and write a book.  At about the same time, I started hearing words of wisdom from friends that lodged deeply in my heart and stayed with me.  I wrote them down in a notebook that I titled "Gold Nuggets...Words I Want to Live By".  My insightful husband, realizing before I did that I needed to be sharing these words, suggested that I start blogging.  And here I am.  I may be writing this blog for myself...and that's ok...it will help the words that I want to live by get deeper into me.  If you are blessed by anything that I write, that makes it even more worth the effort!