Being amazing

Amazing: causing great surprise or wonder (Merriam Webster's dictionary)

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted my life to be amazing.  I want to travel the world and see spectacular places.  I want to create poetry, or music, or art that would speak to someones soul.  I want to win a race or run a marathon.  I want to do something that matters; something that would change the world.  Something that would shout, "Here is a person with an amazing life!"

If you look at my life, it appears to be filled with ordinary things.  I've seen it that way too.  God is teaching me to see the amazing in my life.  Maybe no one else will ever see it, but God sees it.  I see my amazing life in my marriage.  My wonderful husband chose ME as his life-partner and he loves ME!  Our life together is amazing!  I see amazing when I look at our son, who isn't supposed to exist according to medical opinions, and see the thoughtful and caring young man that he is becoming.  I see an amazing life when I think of my closest friends; friendships forged through time and struggles.  I see amazing when I remember that I am a cancer survivor.  I promised myself that I would never stop being grateful, and yet, I need to be reminded.  I see my amazing life when I watch my students smile and hug me in the hall, and when I see them return to visit years later.  I see my amazing life when I read in the Bible that God loves me so much that He gave His only Son.

I still want to travel, and write poetry and music, and run a marathon, and change the world.  Maybe I will someday, but I already have an amazing life!

Breaking free

Breaking free sounds like a good thing, doesn't it?  The tough part about being free is that something has to break.  And, for me, breaking is usually painful.  I picture myself 6 months ago bound by thick metal chains.  Chains of expectations, fears, doubts, and more.  The breaking started in March; bit by bit, link by link of the chains that I had collected throughout my life.  I have cried more in the last 6 months than in the other 44 and a half years of my life put together.  But I am getting free, and that makes it all worth it!

I ran today for the first time in weeks.  And I ran without my GPS watch since the battery was dead...I call that Divine intervention!  I ran without any expectations of time or distance.  And I loved every minute, every stride!  I discovered that I have been held captive by my own expectations of myself and of other people.  And I realized that those chains had finally broken this past week through yet another painful situation.  I'm learning to embrace and learn from the pain because it means I am breaking free.  I am holding on to Romans 8:28...And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.  It means that God is doing His perfect work in me to make me His girl.

The challenges aren't over.  I have to choose to live in freedom every day.  I have to choose to live without expectations of myself or anyone else.  I have to choose to fight fear and doubt with God's truth.  I have to choose to walk each day by faith, knowing that there might still be pain.  The chains feel safe and familiar, but I don't want that anymore!  I am not going back!  I am breaking free!

This is me...

This morning I wished to be an artist who could express her deep feelings in paintings or sculpture that people would see and try to understand.  This morning I wished to be a songwriter who could express her soul with music that people would listen to and appreciate.  But, this is me...I am an intense woman of words, both written and spoken.  Sometimes that intensity is too much for people.  I'm sorry, but not really, because I am fearfully and wonderfully made by God.

I'm in a season of change.  I'm so grateful for the constants in my life...Jesus, my amazing husband, Christopher, my family. Change makes me feel unbalanced and shaken and uneasy and sad.  I often reach out for someone to steady me and keep me from falling, but sometimes I fall anyway.  There are pain and tears and sadness and healing that must happen...I don't like that.  It's uncomfortable and I feel it deeply.  Must I fall?  Couldn't I just be a superficial person so that the wounds don't hurt so much and the healing happens more quickly?  Why can't I be my own rock, my own island, my own stability?

This is me...I am a deep person.  I have deep relationships.  I feel deep sadness and deep joy and deep love.  I look for symbolism and deeper meaning in everything.

This is me...I must express my life and my feelings, both good and bad, with words.  If I don't, I might self-destruct.

This is me...I need people.  I must have meaningful connection with people, even though it causes hurt and disappointment.

This is me...I will find the silver lining in every cloud eventually.  I will learn a life lesson from every situation.

I learned lessons from Robin Williams.  Even a person as deeply loved as he was sometimes can't feel it through the darkness and desperation.  A person who is used to being strong for others might not know how to ask for help.  Sometimes those cries for help aren't heard or they are ignored and brushed off.  I think about these things...and learn.

Lessons for living.  Living, following Jesus, choosing life and hope, finding meaning, loving, learning, changing, finding people who want to travel this road with me.  This is me.