Give freely

As I was driving this morning, I was thinking about people and vending machines (see previous blog entry) and how that applies to me.  If I am living like the vending machine, then I need to get something (love, time, words of affirmation, etc) from someone before anything is going to be given from my heart.  Sometimes I feel like I put money into vending machines and get nothing.  It all sounds very selfish...and it is!  I need to leave the vending machine mentality and grab ahold of Jesus' way of doing things.

Jesus gave freely to anyone who asked of Him.  Since He is God, He has everything to give.  I am human which puts some serious limitations on what I have to give.  I definitely have God-given gifts and talents that were deposited in me for the benefit of the people around me.  But, I can be emptied...and I can't give what I don't possess!  My tendency is to look to other human vending machines to get filled up again.  I choose poorly!  How can I expect people with limitations to meet my needs?  I choose to draw near to Jesus and be filled by Him so that I can give freely!

People are not vending machines

It would be so easy if we could just put what we have into people and get out of them what we need.  It would make relationships so much simpler.  We are such complex and unique characters that there is no way for anyone to read our minds regarding what we need or think we need.  Even if we can articulate what we want from someone, they may be unable or unwilling to give it.  I am often guilty of expecting people to think, respond, and care deeply like I do, and I am just as often disappointed. 

I've been analyzing my expectations...of myself and others.  I am an optimistic person...filled with hope...knowing that the sun will come out tomorrow.  I've decided that my problem is where I put my hope and my expectations.  Putting my hope and expectations in humans isn't fair to me or to them...we will all be disappointed.  I choose to put my hope in Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith.  His plans are so much better than mine, and His thoughts are so much more amazing than mine!  He will never disappoint me! 

Lifelong Learner

I'm a high school biology teacher, so obviously, learning is important to me.  The older I get, the more I realize I don't know.  I have so much to learn, and so many things that need to change, that it can be disheartening at times.  I get tired of seeing my imperfections, insecurities, and failures rise up in front of me, but a new determination has also risen up.  I want to learn and grow in the experiences of my life.  I want to stop making the same mistakes over and over.  I want to become a better person; one who is closer to Jesus and lives like it.  I want to be a person who puts others first and gives unselfishly.  I want to be a person without insecurities, who lives wholeheartedly and without regrets.  Just writing it down, I feel overwhelmed by the changes that need to happen!

I was thinking about Bill Murray's movie "Groundhog Day".  What if life was like that?  What if we could repeat each day until we got it right?  I would still be stuck way back in my life!  I am so glad that each day is a clean slate; an opportunity to learn from the past and go on into the future with new knowledge!  I often say to students that you couldn't pay me enough money to go back to high school.  Truthfully, I wouldn't even go back to yesterday.  But, I do want to take the lessons that I've learned along the way with me.  That's part of why I write this blog...to help me process some of the lessons that I am learning and to make them a part of who I am.

Thankfully, I have the rest of my life to learn and become a better me.  When I quit growing and changing, it is time for my life to be over.  My life really is a journey and every step on the trail is leading me toward the summit.  It is probably going to take me a good long time to get to the top of the mountain of my life, but I want enjoy the climb and to learn from each step so that the next step can be more sure and strong.  I choose to walk the trail with Jesus and to learn from Him all the way to the top!

Perfect love casts out fear

It seems like every time I turn around, I am confronted with another fear.  My fears aren't the big things like fearing death or health problems or surgery.  My fears are irrational and intangible things like being excluded and forgotten, losing relationships, being hurt.  If you know me, you know that my life is all about relationships...I've even been called a "relationship nerd"!  (I claim that title proudly, by the way!)  Quality time with people is my top priority.  I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise to me that my greatest fears are directly correlated to my highest mission.  Those fears make me close my heart, draw back into the shadows, and try to protect myself from being hurt. 

I asked myself this weekend why all of these fears seem to be surfacing recently.  Several answers came to mind.  As I seek to be more like Jesus, my human shortcomings become more obvious.  My mission field and the impact that I make on the world around me is all through relationships.  I truly believe that God has made me and called me to make my mark on the world one person at a time...and that only comes by being in deeper relationships with people.  All that being said, of course there would be an attack of fear on my relationships. 

I've tried to deal with these fears humanly.  I've withdrawn from people I care about.  I've stopped communicating or I've communicated too much.  I've hidden or I've put myself in the middle of things.  (Have I ever mentioned that I am a person of extremes?!)  All of it has been done to protect myself from being hurt.  Has it worked?  Nope!  My way isn't the right way! 

I John 4:18 says, "There is NO fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love."  I know of only one place to find PERFECT LOVE!  I am so thankful that Jesus loves me with all my fears and flaws!  I choose to draw near to Him, where I will always belong, and let His love fill me!