Reflections and Resolutions

A new year is upon us.  A time to reflect on the past year and resolve to change in the new year.  Many of my reflections can be seen in past blogs, but I am going to write about them anyway and process through them again. 

Reflections on 2013

• A year of trying new things and loving all of them...running, blogging, learning some piano and guitar.
• The year that I fought a battle with fear and WON!
• A year of looking for joy in the journey and not always in reaching the finish line.
• A year filled with looking inward and praying that God would show me how I needed to change.
• A year focused on relationships (I guess that could be every year of my life!) and becoming a better wife, mom, and friend.
• A year of good choices, growing up, and letting go of junk.

Resolutions for 2014

• 2014 is going to be a year of more and less...read on!
• More Jesus and less Dawn!
• More love and less fear!
• More outward focus and less inward focus!
• More prayer and less worrying!
• More Bible and less other stuff!
• More running and less stress (and hopefully literally less me)!
• More music and less noise!

That's just the beginning!  I'm betting the more and less list will increase as the year goes on.  I challenge you to reflect on your own victories in 2013 and to look with intention to 2014.  Happy New Year!

Lighthouse

God has been speaking to me about being a lighthouse.  A lighthouse guides ships to safe harbor in the dark of night or during a fierce storm.  A lighthouse is built upon a solid and sturdy foundation so that even in a hurricane, it will stand and shine.  The lighthouse is tended to so that it remains 100% functional, 100% of the time.  A lighthouse is not affected by the darkness or danger around it.  In black and perilous times, it shines even more brightly and welcomes weary travelers to safety.

I am a lighthouse.  I have the light of Jesus in me and it is radiating out of me.  I carry a beacon of hope in a dark and hopeless world.  I am built upon the Rock...the unchanging, immovable God.  The darkness around me does not affect me; it only makes the Light inside me shine brighter.  I must be obedient to Jesus to make sure that I stay functional.  I cannot allow the darkness to overwhelm me and I must take it to Jesus and be continuously filled with Him.  I can't shine in my own power...I will burn out!  It has to be Jesus shining through me!  I will beckon the tired and downtrodden to come find shelter and hope in Jesus.

God is calling me to live as a lighthouse.  I am choosing to be obedient.   

Strong feet, strong heart, strong mind

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline." 
2 Timothy 1:7

Last weekend, I started wearing minimalist running shoes.  Not a drastic change from my original nontraditional running shoes, but enough different that I ran cautiously.  My Thursday evening run gave me some seriously sore feet.  Yesterday, I was questioning my choice of running shoes.  Today, my feet felt better and I got out for a 4 mile run.  As I started mile 3, I noticed that my feet were feeling great and I thought, "I'm getting strong feet!"  Immediately, the words I want to live by...strong feet, strong heart, strong mind...went through my thoughts.  I am convinced that they came straight from the heart of God to me!  The words apply to my physical body and to my spirit...they are life giving words that I am going to hold onto and live by!

Strong feet are necessary if I am going to keep running the way I do.  (Read the book Born to Run by Christopher McDougall...it has changed my life!)  There are going to be days of sore feet as I strengthen them.  That's the nature of our amazing skeletal and muscular systems...yes, I teach human anatomy and physiology!  Isaiah 52:7 says "How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, 'Your God reigns!'"  That is what God has called me to do and I need strong feet to be obedient!

I have always desired a strong heart both physically and emotionally.  My physical heart has a murmur...I was born with it.  My mitral valve opens the wrong direction which makes it harder for my heart to pump life through my body.  You would never know it unless you listened to my heart because I am blessed to live with NO symptoms!  For years, cardiologists have encouraged me to exercise my heart...and now I am doing that!  If you read my blog...or my facebook posts...you know that I struggle with emotional heart pain.  God is teaching me how to bring my hurts (and everything else) to Him and to allow Him to protect my heart.  My heart is getting stronger every day!

 The true battlefield is in my mind!  Any runner will tell you that the biggest hurdles are mental.  The hardest part of running for me is getting out the door and leaving responsibility behind for an hour.  I have to set my mind to running no matter what comes up.  We all have doubts, fears, and insecurities that plague us and if I allow my mind to run amuck with them, I will be overcome and paralyzed.  I've lived that way for too long!  It is time for me to discipline my mind and take every thought captive to make it obedient to Christ!  (2 Corinthians 10:5)  I will believe the truth and run away from the lies!

Strong feet, strong heart, strong mind.  That is how God sees me!  I believe it!  I will live it!

Put it in the box and walk away

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things."  Philippians 4: 6-8

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own."  Matthew 6:34

My human tendency is to over-think, worry, fret, and hold on to all kinds of things...feelings, situations, relationships, circumstances, etc.  I want to "fix" problems and find solutions.  But typically, my thinking leads to headaches, loss of sleep, and more worry and stress.  God has been talking to me about leaving my cares with Him.  He showed me a wooden cross standing alone in the middle of nowhere with a cardboard box sitting on the ground at the foot of it.  The box is for me to pack up my anxieties.  Why cardboard?  It is temporary storage...in fact the lid never closes.  As soon as I place a worry inside, my loving Heavenly Father takes it out and takes care of it in a way that only He can do.  Sometimes, He tells me my next step in the situation.  Always, He asks me to trust Him with it and believe that He is omniscient and omnipotent! 

It is a discipline of obedience for me to let go of things that mean so much to me.  My mind is being retrained to think about what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, and praiseworthy rather than being stuck in stinkin' thinking!  The amount of time and energy invested in worry makes no difference...it never accomplishes anything!  And going back to the box to retrieve something doesn't work either!  Taking the issues of my heart (which also fill my mind) to Jesus and thanking Him and leaving them there is always the best solution!  I will put my worries in the box, turn my back, and walk away!

Everything speaks

I can communicate quite well with words, both spoken and written.  Every cell in me is all about communication.  I've been thinking a lot lately about what the rest of my life "says".  Everything speaks...my facial expressions, my attitudes, my reactions, my actions, my choices...all of it says something to anyone who happens to be paying attention.  Actions speak louder than words.  Am I "speaking" life and love and encouragement to people?  Time for some reflection on my own life...I'm not pointing a finger at anyone but myself.

People who know me well have said that my voice and my face give away my emotions, even when my words do not.  I often try to hide hurt, frustration, and anger with a forced smile...unsuccessfully, I might add.  Anyone who spends time around me can see right through it, and then they wonder what pushed me over the edge.  I am trying to learn to appropriately express those emotions with grace and mercy to fix whatever is bothering me when I can.  Sometimes I respond with a fight or flight response...lash out or run away and avoid...never solves the problem or makes me feel better.  My best choice...give it to Jesus and ask Him what to do with it.  His response will always be the right one and it will always speak the best message!

I pray every day for more of Jesus and less of Dawn.  I dislike reacting based on my feelings, but I do it all the time.  The Bible is filled with verses that exhort us to put others' needs before our own, to serve the way Jesus did, to love and encourage each other.  Galatians 6:9 starts, "Do not become weary in doing good..."  I want my life to speak the same message that my words say.  I want to follow Jesus example.  I will choose to be considerate, to serve, to encourage, and to love.  I will seek relationship with Jesus so that everything speaks of Him and His love!

Take every thought captive

2 Corinthians 10:5 says, "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."  The Apostle Paul admonished the Christians at Corinth in his letter to them.  These are words that I desperately want to live by, but I often find myself losing the battle in my own mind. 

My mind is often filled with negative thoughts about myself.  Sometimes the thoughts come from words or actions of people who matter to my heart, but sometimes the thoughts come "from nowhere".  More often than not, the thoughts that I need to take captive come from my enemy, the devil, and they are fueled by things I see and hear.  The longer I think about something, the bigger it becomes in my head.  It would be so much easier to take a fleeting thought captive than one that has been growing in my mind.  If only I could be disciplined enough to do it!

The question is this, "How do we take every thought captive?"  You can't take a thought captive if you don't know it's there.  I try to be aware of how I am thinking and feeling, but that doesn't mean I always catch things right away or that I have easily won the battle.  I start by letting go and asking God to take the negative ideas in my head.  Sometimes, it takes more prayer than that for me to let go.  If I've been feeding negative thoughts, I've gotten used to them and sometimes even attached to them, and I don't really want to let go of them.  Sometimes, I have to choose forgiveness and release forgiveness.  Then, I have to replace the lie with the truth so there is no room for deceptive thoughts to come back and I can fight against it.  More and more, I find myself looking in my Bible...it's filled with truth that will set us free!  Free people are not in bondage to their thoughts...they can take their thoughts captive and continue to be free! 

Hope

God created us to be filled with hope.  The Bible contains words about hope on practically every page.  Have you ever noticed that hope is the first thing to disappear and the hardest thing to hold on to?  I have to choose every single day...sometimes every single minute...to hold on to my hope.  Last year, I didn't do so well.  I let fear, doubt, discouragement, hurt, and isolation steal my hope and block out the light of Jesus.  Without hope, it is a dark, scary world out there.  The Bible says, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." (Proverbs 13:12)  I have felt heartsick with hopelessness.  I have seen people around me without hope and light.  The hopelessness hole is a hard place to be trapped and difficult to climb out of...I've been there many times!

Thankfully, Jesus came not only to bring eternal life to us, but also to fill us with hope while we are in this life through relationship with Him.  One of the best ways for me to renew my hope is to read verses filled with promises. 

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future.  (Jeremiah 29:11...one of my all time favorites!)

Be joyful in HOPE, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.  (Romans 12:12)

May the God of HOPE fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit.  (Romans 15:13...Paul prayed that for the Romans, and I pray it for you!)

Why are you downcast, O my soul?  Why so disturbed within me?  Put your HOPE in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God!  (Psalm 43:5...we have to choose to put our hope in God...it isn't always an easy choice.)

Be strong and take heart all you who HOPE in the Lord!  (Psalm 31:24)

I am choosing to HOPE in the Lord, not in my circumstances or in the situations or people in my life.  I pray that the God of hope will fill us with all joy and peace and that we will OVERFLOW with hope!

Older and wiser

I discovered recently that I mark the passage of time not by the calendar but by school years; quarters and semesters and summers.  Maybe that's why I became a teacher...I couldn't imagine life without my "calendar"!  Getting older is inevitable for all of us, but we have lots of choices to make along the way.  Will we learn as we walk the road of life?  Will we be stronger from the bumps in the road?  Will we let the wipeouts leave scars but make us better people?  Will we continue to learn new skills and be life-long learners? 

I hope I can honestly answer yes to all of those questions.  This past year has been a year of much growth and change for me.  It was uncomfortable, challenging, sad, frustrating, and discouraging at times.  Looking back down the hill that I climbed last year, I can see the joy and the lessons that I've learned.  It has been a good year!  I started piano, guitar, blogging, and running in the past year.  I wouldn't say I'm good at any of them, but I am certainly passionate about all of them! 

I am a living example that you are never too old to learn!  I'm thinking that I will spend this year working on all the new things I started last year, but who knows what new things God will bring into my life?!  It is going to be an AMAZING year!

Choose wisely

I love these words from my favorite scene of "Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade"!  Indy finally reaches the hiding place of the holy grail and finds that there are many cups from which to choose.  The life of his father depends on his choice and the Templar knight who guards the grail warns him to choose wisely.  That's good advice for all of us.  We are bombarded with a gazillion choices every day, and the bottom line is that we can choose our own way or we can choose God's way.  It really is as simple as that.  The hard part for me is knowing God's way...letting His voice be heard over my logic and emotions.  I'm still practicing listening to Him and being obedient...and this is where the rubber meets the road.

I can choose to be hurt and offended or I can choose Jesus.  I can choose to walk into a situation that will bring frustration or I can choose Jesus.  I can choose to walk in fear or I can choose Jesus.  I can choose to panic or I can choose Jesus.  I can choose to try to please people or I can choose Jesus.  I can choose to be overwhelmed and stressed or I can choose Jesus.

I could go on...but you understand my point.  It really is that simple.  As I return to school tomorrow, I choose wisely...I choose Jesus!

Tearing down the wall

I decided last spring that I had enough...enough of my feelings and being hurt.  I took matters into my own hands and put up a wall around my heart.  A brick wall whose stones were marked with incidents from the past school year went up quickly.  I needed a place to hide...my heart and my emotions.  I can picture myself crouching behind the bricks, invisible to the outside world and protected from any flaming arrows that might be shot my way.  I needed a place to keep my feelings hidden so no one would know how my heart hurt.  Did it work?  Not the way I wanted it to work!  I never dealt with any of my emotions.  And I let them pile up until I lost a childhood friend to breast cancer several weeks ago.  I couldn't cry, even though I was very sad.  I realized that I had a problem...a problem that I had created...a wall around my heart that was unsuccessful at keeping hurt out but very good at trapping my feelings inside.  This amazing wall kept poison inside me and kept me from love. 

God started talking to me about my wall.  He showed me that it wasn't even serving the purpose for which I had built it...and it was actually causing more damage rather than protecting me.  He asked me to take it down brick by brick with love and forgiveness.  God showed me that He can protect my heart so much better than I can.  I picture God's protection as a "glory cloud" around my heart.  Love can pass through both ways...especially God's love.  It will deflect the flaming arrows that come flying at me.  It will allow me to love fully...the way God created me to love...without worrying about being hurt.  God reminded me of Psalm 91.  It is so good and one of my favorites and one I want to live by as a new school year starts!

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in Whom I trust.  Surely He will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence.  He will cover you with His feathers, and under His wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.  You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday.  A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.  You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked.  If you make the Most High your dwelling-even the Lord, who is my refuge-then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent.  For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.  You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.  Because he loves Me, says the Lord, I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges My name.  He will call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him.  With long life will I satisfy him and show him My salvation."
Psalm 91 Amen!

Let It Go...revisited

Yesterday, I lost a childhood friend to cancer.  I know I will see her again in eternity, but there is still sadness.  I haven't cried yet, and that bothered me.  I slid into analysis mode; trying to figure out why I wasn't expressing emotions...and really why I felt so numb.  And I asked God to show me what was going on inside me.  Here is what I discovered.

I spent most of my life "stuffing" my feelings and not dealing with them until something little would happen and cause them to come flooding out.  After my cancer adventure, I decided that I needed to deal with things that were bothering me instead of internalizing.  That usually means talking through things with someone else.  So I did, until this past spring when I chose to stop dealing with the myriad of things that were affecting me.  I have been shoving feelings away thinking to myself, "I'll deal with that later".  But, later doesn't come.

I am a very open person, so my "stuffing" habit might come as a surprise to you.  I am seeking balance...that does not come naturally for me.  It is going to take Divine Intervention!  What is the solution?  Letting things go...but not just to the atmosphere...to God.  Talking through things that bother me with Him, instead of carrying them around until I explode or dumping them on someone else.  Leaving my worries and cares and hurts at the foot of the cross for Jesus to take.  Waiting and listening to Him for directions about anything else I need to do.

Joe asked me earlier what I was doing.  I replied, "Writing and processing".  My blog has become the place that I work through my analyses.  I hope someone else was encouraged by this one.  If not, it was worth the writing for me...I know what I need to do now.  I'm going to Jesus and leaving my burdens with Him.

Finish the race

I heard these words I want to live by from Marge Hickman at the Leadville Race Series office/store last week.  She was telling me that she fell and sprained her ankle during the Leadville 100, but she finished the race.  That is an accomplishment! 

I've been running a lot this summer, and I've decided that I am probably going to be a distance runner with a slow and steady pace.  My goal will never be to win a race, but to finish it and enjoy every step.  I lost sight of that for a while; in running and in life.  I'm so glad Marge reminded me!

I had an experience earlier this summer that is an excellent lesson for me now.  I was climbing Horsetooth Mountain with some friends.  My one goal was to keep up with them, and I failed miserably.  This lead to frustration and discouragement and I completely missed out on the beauty of the day.  I did not enjoy one minute of the journey because I was so focused on the pace rather than reaching the top in my own time and enjoying the view along the way.

Looking back, I can see where I went wrong...my goal.  I forgot that my goal should be enjoying the journey...loving every minute of it.  I have to run my race (and live my life) at my own pace.  I cannot compare my speed or my distance to anyone else.  My eyes need to be on the Author and Finisher of my faith...Jesus...and on the finish line.  Remind me of that when I run my first 5K in September! 

I WILL finish the race running and I will enjoy EVERY step of the journey!

No comparison!

I have been really struggling this summer with comparing myself to other people.  I thought I had left that behind me; maybe outgrown it.  Apparently, I haven't.  I often hear myself say things like..."I'm too short.  I'm too fat.  I'm too slow.  I am so uncoordinated!  I talk too much.  I'm too loud.  I put my heart out there too much.  I am not a good wife/mom/friend.  I am not a good writer.  I am not talented enough.  I'll never be a teacher like...."  (I work with a building full of amazing teachers!)  You get the picture.  In my mind, nothing I am or do is ever going to be good enough. 

The truth is that I am fearfully and wonderfully and UNIQUELY made by God.  (Psalm 139)  He made this person known as Dawn Marie Karr.  He carefully chose which genes I got from each of my parents...it certainly was NOT random chance!  He gave me my physical characteristics and my personality.  He gave me an enthusiastic and passionate spirit that loves deeply (and gets hurt easily), puts people and relationships first always, worships and sings with everything in me, and teaches with my heart.  I am loyal, committed, fiercely protective, and an over-the-top caretaker.  I am always thinking, analyzing, and looking for ways to make things better.  I am a problem-solver.  I am an extrovert who is always looking inward and assessing my own state of being. 

God made me the person that I am...does that mean there is no opportunity for growth and change?  May it never be!  Our physical appearance does not even stay the same from the time we enter this world until the time we leave it...we are always changing.  God made us with a free will that grows and changes with our physical bodies.  It is God's job and NOT mine to speak to my heart about what needs to change in me.  I am His creation!  My job is to look at Him, listen to Him, and respond to Him.  If I would take my eyes off of the people I admire so much and look at my Father, He will show me who I really am!

Encouraged

Yesterday, Pastor Don Oft was reminding us at Impact Church how blessed we are, with the purpose of encouraging us.  That got me thinking about the word encourage.  Webster's dictionary defines encourage: to inspire with courage, spirit, or hope.  No wonder I love to be encouraged!  I can't imagine anything better than being filled with courage, spirit, and hope!  Words of encouragement (affirmation) are my love language...that is how I give love to people and that is how I best receive love from people too. 

I have a lot of opportunities to give words of encouragement...Joe and Christopher, my family, my friends, my students, my colleagues, my church family...the list is endless.  I tend to hit times of emptiness; times when I've given everything I have and there is no one around to inspire me with courage, spirit, and hope.  One of the lessons that I am learning this summer is to be filled and inspired by Jesus, not solely depending on people to encourage me.  I am so thankful that God gave us His written word and that it is filled with encouragement and inspiration straight from Him!  Here are some of my favorites...

Psalm 139:13-14 (the whole chapter is awesome!) For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 

Psalm 42:5 Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. 

Romans 8:31, 38, 39 What, then, shall we say in response to this?  If God is for us, who can be against us?  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:19 And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

Psalm 31:24 Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord.

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

That did it for me...I am feeling inspired with courage, spirit, and hope!  I choose to stay here...to be filled with God's Word and encouraged!

More than a conqueror

"What, then, shall we say in response to this?  If God is for us, who can be against us?  He who did not spare His own Son, but gave him up for us all-how will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?  Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen?  It is God who justifies.  Who is he that condemns?  Christ Jesus, who died-more than that, who was raised to life-is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?  NO, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us."  Romans 8: 31-35, 37

That is what I want to be...more than a conqueror!  I seem to be running into little things that discourage me.  Like the crack in the sidewalk that trips me when I run, these small distractions can lay me out flat and leave me scraped up and bleeding.  I've learned to watch the sidewalk and step over the cracks.  I'm also working on falling so that I can get back up quickly with minimal damage.  Why is it that the "cracks" in my life seem so much bigger than the ones in the sidewalk?  Why are they harder for me to avoid?

I get caught up in the comparison game in all parts of my life.  I am my own worst critic and I have spent much of my life scrutinizing and criticizing myself.  I am always found lacking in my own mind.  What I can do is never good enough.  No wonder I feel defeated!  Just writing those words depresses me!

Enough of my own thinking...time for the TRUTH!  If God is for ME, who can be against me?  God gave Jesus for ME and He justifies ME.  Jesus is sitting at the right hand of the Father interceding for ME.  Can anything (including my own shortcomings and beliefs about myself) separate me from Jesus' love for ME?  Nope!  I am more than a conqueror because God loves ME!  It is time to let those truths sink deep into my heart and live as more than a conqueror!

discipline and obedience

The two go hand in hand, or at least they should in my mind.  We often think of discipline as punishment or correction, but I'm defining discipline as training that corrects, molds, or perfects; self-control; orderly or prescribed conduct or behavior.  I am disciplined in my running...most mornings I don't feel like running when I get out of bed, but regardless of my feelings, I put on my running shoes and hit the sidewalk.  Unfortunately, that seems to be the end of my disciplined behavior.  I have a wish list in my head of places in my life that I would like to exercise self-control and discipline.  My eating habits need some serious help.  I would like to discipline my mouth to speak only words of life and encouragement.  My mind runs amuck with thoughts of worry, fear, and discouragement.  I'm sure there are more, but those are my BIG 3.

Discipline will come from being obedient to God.  If I would just ask Him and listen before I eat, or speak, or think, and then choose to be obedient, discipline would be easier.  Being obedient is so much better than trying to figure out on my own how to do things the right way.  2 Corinthians 10:5 says that we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.  That would be a great place for me to start.  Every time I think something that is not true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, or praiseworthy (Philippians 4:8), I need to get rid of those thoughts and replace them with thoughts that are.  That would impact my words as well since my mouth speaks what is in my heart and what is in my heart came from my thoughts. 

This is going to be a journey of learning and choosing obedience and discipline.  Today is only the beginning, but habits can be broken and changed.  I have hope!

Moving forward

I am a goal-oriented person.  I love to finish things and cross them off my to-do list.  I love the feeling of accomplishment I get when things are DONE.  Maybe that's why I love running.  There is a goal and an end and I always get there...somehow I always reach home again.  Unfortunately, life is not like running.  It's a years-long journey that sometimes feels like standing still or even moving backwards.

In one of my favorite books, Marshall Ulrich writes about running across America in 56 days at the age of 57.  Toward the end of his journey, all he could think about was putting one foot in front of the other; moving forward toward the goal.  Most days when I am running, I have to think that way for the first 2 miles...just keep moving forward and putting one foot in front of the other.  After 2 miles, I find my groove, pick up my pace, and lengthen my stride.  I feel like I could run forever...maybe because the end is in sight!  The goal is near!

My point is that sometimes the goal seems far-off.  The journey is long, hard, and painful.  Discouragement sets in and slows me down.  I just have to keep moving in the right direction, even if I'm only taking baby steps.  Stopping is not an option!  Little steps in the right direction still count as making progress and growing and learning.  I want to be able to say, "I am fighting the good fight, I am finishing the race, I am keeping the faith!"  (2 Timothy 4:7)

Be thankful!

I found myself in a situation this weekend that pushed me over the edge and into the pit called discouragement.  I spent part of the weekend at the bottom of that stinkin' hole with a heap of frustration and discouragement piled on top of me.  It wasn't really as bad as it sounds, but once I hit the bottom, other stuff came crashing in.

I started climbing out yesterday, and I peered over the edge this morning.  As I caught a glimpse of sunshine and blue sky today, I realized again that the only part of any frustrating and discouraging situation that I can change is ME.  I asked God honestly and truly seeking His answer, "How do I change me?  Discouragement will come at me again...what do I do?"  Quickly and quietly He answered, "Be thankful!"  You would think that I would have thought of that...the girl who wears a bracelet with the word "gratitudes" on it every single day.  I am so thankful that God is patient with me!  I am a slow learner! 

So what am I doing today?  Being obedient, being thankful.  There are so many things toward which I can direct my gratitude.  God is so good to me and my life is filled with blessings!  Maybe this time I will remember!

Jesus is the Way

I saw this quote on the marquis of a church near my house this morning...Jesus said, "I am the Way."  The Bible also quotes Jesus, "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life.  No one comes to the Father except through me."  (John 14:6)   I know and believe that Jesus is the only way to heaven, but sadly, not everyone gets that.  I suspect that knowledge is the goal of the marquis, but my analytical mind and the Holy Spirit took that statement a bit farther this morning.

I started thinking about the other "ways" that Jesus provides for me and for you...

• He is the way out of depression, doubt, and fear!
• He is the way into an abundant life!
• He is the only way that our country is going to survive where we are right now!
• He is the way out of debt!
• He is the way to have true love, joy, peace, contentment, and hope in our lives!
• He is the way for me to see who I really am!
• He is the way to find encouragement when we feel discouraged!
• He is the way that I can keep "running the race set before me" and living a victorious life!
• The list is endless...my God is a BIG God!

Jesus is the way!  Not only in death, but also in life!  He is the way!  Give me Jesus!

Passionate

Passionate: capable of, affected by, or expressing intense feeling; ENTHUSIASTIC, ARDENT

Passionate is a word that I want to describe me...especially the enthusiastic and ardent part!  Yesterday, I fully realized that I am passionate about running.  (I know...delayed realization!)  I was at the vet with our dog, KC, and somehow I even ended up talking with her about running.  Good grief!  I heard someone claim that I can't have a conversation without running being a part of it.  That might actually be true...I guess that would qualify me as passionate!

I started thinking this morning about being passionate in other parts of my life.  What if I put as much time, effort, and thought into other things as I do into running?  Hmmm.  If I stopped settling for good enough and just surviving this life, that might add up to a life that makes a difference; that changes the world.  The list of things that I could be passionate about is endless.  How would I define "world"?  It could be my home...changing my world with Joe and Christopher.  It could be Liberty Common High School...changing the world of my colleagues and students.  It could be in my community, or actually somewhere else in the World. 

The question popped into my head, "What if I was as passionate about Jesus as I am about running?"  This brought more questions.  Would He be part of every conversation I have?  How would that change my worlds?  Would people be as tolerant of me talking about Jesus as they are of me talking about running?  Hmmm. 

I won't be able to do it in my own power and I cannot be passionate about everything. My plan?  To ponder, to follow Jesus, and to relentlessly pursue being passionate in other parts of my life.   I hope you see a difference!

Listen

I am a great talker.  Ask anyone who spends any time with me and they will tell you that I rarely run out of things to say.  Communicating is a top priority for me.  I've also been told that I am a good listener, but I want to become better.  There is always room for improvement!

The best way for me to improve my listening skills is to spend time listening to God.  So often, I go to Him with my list of things I want to talk about.  (I do that with people too!)  I say what I want to say and I leave without giving Him a chance to give me His perspective.  I need to be still and know that He is God.  His knowledge and wisdom are beyond anything that I can imagine or comprehend.  But, He wants to share them with me if I would only sit quietly and hear Him.

I need to practice that with people too.  I purpose in my heart to be quiet and listen to what people are sharing with me, without slipping into problem solving mode.  I want to hear what isn't being said too...to read between the lines, if you will.  I want to listen with my heart to hear the heart of the speaker.  At the same time, I want to be listening to the heart of my Father God, to hear His words of life that might need to be spoken by me. 

This learning is going to take some effort on my part, but it will be well worth it!

Time to heal

I found myself in a situation this week that caused me to reflect on my emotional well being.  Truthfully, I monitor my emotions closely these days.  I haven't always been that way, but in the past several years, I have kept closer tabs on my feelings and what causes them.  And, I try to deal with them as positively and proactively as I can.  I wear my heart on my sleeve.  My feelings are obvious to the world and my heart is easily bruised.  I often feel fragile and I imagine that I appear fragile to the people who spend lots of time with me. 

Anyway, I found myself responding with an "oh well" sort of attitude to an interaction that usually would have caused bruising.  Of course, I had to analyze...why isn't this bothering me?  I discovered that my exposed heart has been buried deeply under many protective layers.  The wounds from this past school year need time and protection to heal.  That's the high price of feeling deeply...deep wounds, pain, and hurt.  (Love and great joy are the benefits...and I've decided it is well worth the cost!)

I am giving myself time to heal.  I am allowing God to touch my deeply buried heart with His love and mercy.  I am blessed to have the gift of time this summer to slow down and recover.  I am intentionally spending time with people who build me up and encourage me and speed the healing process.  At some point, my heart will emerge from its cave.  Meanwhile, I will draw near to God and allow Him to relocate my heart!  

Forgive: Release and Refill

This past school year has been full of emotions.  I thought I had been doing a pretty good job of letting go of them, but, as I slow down for the summer, I'm realizing that I am still carrying an awful lot of baggage.  No wonder I am so tired!  At some point during the last week of school, I flipped the switch to turn off my feelings.  The amount of emotion was overwhelming and I was too tired to deal with it.  I guess it is time to sort through the memories and the feelings that come with them. 

I wrote the first paragraph of this blog entry and I got up from my computer and started reflecting on the year.  My initial plan was to throw some memories on the ground and stomp them into the dust, gently set some aside, and deal with the ones that needed more processing.  But before I could do that, a word whispered into my spirit...forgive.  So I quickly responded and I was amazed at the quiet forgiveness that came from my heart and vocalized itself.  Situations that I hadn't even acknowledged at the time surfaced and I released forgiveness into them.  I am sure there will be more, but for now, I have been obedient.  God's ways are so much better than mine!

At the end of the school year, a friend and fellow teacher asked me, "What are you going to do this summer to get refilled?"  Good question...  It seems like I've been looking for that answer all year.  She suggested that I write a list of things that would fill me up and then do them.  I know that quality time with people will be my top priority...Jesus, Joe and Christopher, my parents, friends who are near and dear to my heart.  Quiet time to read my Bible and a myriad of other books.  Running.  Resting.  I'm not sure what else at this moment...but I am sure that my list will get longer as I refill.

I feel quiet and restful and peaceful.  That was just what I needed to prepare for the summer ahead!

Made in God's image

This morning God was speaking to my heart about being filled with His words of life.  So often I say things that are thoughtless, careless, and flippant.  They are not necessarily hurtful or mean, but they certainly are not life-filled words.  God showed me that His words of life would flow out of my mouth like cool, clear, refreshing water from a carafe if I would allow Him to fill me. 

As I meditated on that thought, I pictured myself as the carafe.  I was a plain, simple, brown-pottery carafe.  Then God showed me a picture of a crystal carafe with facets cut to brilliantly reflect the light that radiated from Him.  The water pouring from the mouth of the crystal was clear and refreshing and it looked and sounded beautiful coming out of the carafe. 

The message was instantly obvious.  I am made in the image of God Himself.  There is nothing plain or ugly about Him.  He is glorious and brilliant and beautiful!  Today was the beginning of God's work in my head and in my heart to change me.  He is teaching me to see myself as HE sees me!  And my prayer is that His words of life will flow from me and His light will be brilliantly reflected!

Give me Jesus

"Give me Jesus; give me Jesus.  You can have all this world, but give me Jesus."  Fernando Ortega

A simple song with a profound message is ringing in my heart this morning.  I strive to attain not fame and fortune, but love and affirmation.  I'm not much of a material girl, but I do have a tendency to look to people instead of looking to Jesus.  The scientist in me wants to see, hear, and feel affirmations.  When people give affirmation, it is tangible, but not lasting.  Don't get me wrong...I fully believe that God created us to be relational beings!  He made us to be in relationship with Him, but He also made us to be in relationship with others.  We are told over and over in Paul's letters in the Bible that we are made to encourage each other.  However, I have realized that I need to go to Jesus to fill me up and stay filled up!

Everything that Jesus gives to me is lasting, abundant, overflowing, and able to be shared with others.  If I am giving out of myself or out of what has been given to me by other people, I am going to run out quickly.  Before I know it, I am going to be empty...nothing left to give to anyone!  I can't give what I don't have!  God made me with the love languages of words of affirmation and quality time...I'm a relationship person in every cell of my body.  He made me to need those things from people who are close to my heart, but He also made me to desire words of affirmation and quality time with Him.  That's the cry of my heart today, and I pray that it will be everyday, GIVE ME JESUS!

Run with endurance

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.  Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Hebrews 12:1-2

I remembered the words of a friend and fellow runner while I was running today, "Some days you'll feel strong and some days you'll feel weak."  Today was a weak day for sure!  I was tired, grumpy, and just plain uncomfortable, but I ran anyway.  I moved a little slower, but I was still moving!  I just kept putting one foot in front of the other until my 2 mile route was finished.  There was no elation, no affirmation, no fanfare, just me and my running shoes pounding the sidewalk step after tedious step. 

God reminded me of the verses in Hebrews 12 as I ran.  My life is analogous to my runs.  Some days are filled with joy, gratitude, words of affirmation, and just plain feeling good about everything, and some days aren't.  Some days it is hard to get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other, but I do it.  God knew there would be hard days.  Otherwise, He would not have said to run with PERSEVERANCE.  On days that I am strong, running is easy and joyful and fun and it doesn't require perseverance...I enjoy every step and I can't believe it when I reach the end of my driveway.  On days when I am weak, I need to fix my eyes on Jesus while I am running and while I am "running the race marked out" for me.  It would be amazing if there were always people cheering me on as I run, both literally and figuratively, and there are definitely encouragers along my way.  I am choosing to fix my eyes on Jesus.  His affirmations will fill me up to overflowing and keep me running the race marked out for me so that I can encourage others who just happen to be running the same direction!

God loves ME!

I grew up singing "Jesus Loves Me" and I believed it.  Why is it so hard for me to grasp that God loves ME now that I'm an adult?  I am a goal-oriented, people-pleasing, all-or-nothing kind of girl who tries with everything in her to make sure that the people around me are happy.  I have a hard time imagining that God or any person would love me with all my imperfections.  Fortunately, God sees me through eyes of grace and forgiveness and my imperfections are covered by Jesus' victory at the cross.  And He allows people to love me in spite of my imperfections too!

Here is the truth: I am fearfully and wonderfully made!  (Psalm 139:14)  God made me with these traits that I consider to be imperfections.  I am so different from the people that I admire, but that doesn't mean that God made them right and He messed up on me.  God doesn't make mistakes!  Is there room for growth and improvement in me?  ALWAYS...I'm human!  As I am writing this, I am realizing why I am so tired...I'm trying to change God's work of art...His masterpiece...ME!  He made me this way and then put me with people who will sharpen me as iron sharpens iron...and I am so thankful for those people, by the way.  Do I need purification as gold in a fire?  Absolutely, but I don't have to throw myself into the fire if I will let God be the Master Refiner of my life. 

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well!  (Psalm 139:14)

No more fear!

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity (fear), but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline (sound mind)."  2 Timothy 1:7

I hit my breaking point with fear on Palm Sunday weekend.  I was overcome and overwhelmed by choking, irrational fears.  I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone!  I knew that I had to deal with fear once and for all.  As I prayed, God showed me that fear has been a constant companion in my life.  It was like a cloak that covered my entire being (think Jedi type).  My words had given power to fear as I would claim "I am just so fearful" or "I am used to responding to things with fear".  I knew how to function with the cloak of fear on my back...I've been doing it my whole life...but I reached the point that I didn't want to wear that stinkin' cloak anymore! 

God revealed so much to me that weekend about myself and my fear habit.  I saw that I had been living like fear had power over me and I needed to live like fear is under my feet.  God showed me that He could rip the cloak of fear in two just like He tore the temple veil when Jesus was crucified.  The hard part is choosing to live with fear under my feet every minute of every day.  I'm in the habit of responding to certain situations in fear, but I have to learn a new and better way.  When I feel fear trying to cover me up again, I remind myself that God gave me a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline.  And sometimes, I actually stomp on the floor like I'm stomping on that old cloak laying there.  I have to choose to leave that fear laying on the ground and walk away from it instead of  picking it up and putting it on again. 

God is changing the way that I think and respond.  My part is to choose every minute to leave fear behind and walk in God's power, love, and self-discipline.  Is it a battle?  Absolutely, but one that is worth fighting and one that will end in victory!

Looking for joy

Yesterday while I was running, I felt joy welling up inside me and realized that I had a smile that was covering my face.  I was delighted with the Colorado blue sky, the sounds of birds, the sun on my face, and my new-found ability to run.  It sounds like an oxymoron, but running is the time when I let my brain slow down and think.  My life is so task and deadline driven that I sometimes feel like I have fallen out of the raft on a white-water river and all I can do is try to keep my head above the water and avoid slamming into rocks.  I decided while I was running that I need to be intentional about looking for joyful moments.  I started running with the goal of loving it.  I had no lofty ideas about distance or speed, I just wanted to get out there and enjoy it.  And it worked...I LOVE RUNNING!  If a short, non-athletic person such as myself can find joy in running, shouldn't I be able to find joy in other places too?

I started a mental list (I'm known for my lists!) of places where the mother-lode of joy might be found.  Mine looks like this: moments with my husband and my son, time spent with friends and family, hearing kind words from people who are close to my heart, listening to the waves of the ocean or the babbling of a river, watching the light of understanding turn on for my students, being in the sunshine taking in the blue Colorado sky, spending time with my students, listening to beautiful music, singing and worshiping with my church family, playing piano and guitar, running.  Those are all amazing gold mines of joy for me, but I realized the best place to find lasting joy is in the presence of God.  I need to choose time with Him and practice being in His presence.  I need to climb in the raft being guided by Jesus and float down the river and enjoy being with Him!

Give freely

As I was driving this morning, I was thinking about people and vending machines (see previous blog entry) and how that applies to me.  If I am living like the vending machine, then I need to get something (love, time, words of affirmation, etc) from someone before anything is going to be given from my heart.  Sometimes I feel like I put money into vending machines and get nothing.  It all sounds very selfish...and it is!  I need to leave the vending machine mentality and grab ahold of Jesus' way of doing things.

Jesus gave freely to anyone who asked of Him.  Since He is God, He has everything to give.  I am human which puts some serious limitations on what I have to give.  I definitely have God-given gifts and talents that were deposited in me for the benefit of the people around me.  But, I can be emptied...and I can't give what I don't possess!  My tendency is to look to other human vending machines to get filled up again.  I choose poorly!  How can I expect people with limitations to meet my needs?  I choose to draw near to Jesus and be filled by Him so that I can give freely!

People are not vending machines

It would be so easy if we could just put what we have into people and get out of them what we need.  It would make relationships so much simpler.  We are such complex and unique characters that there is no way for anyone to read our minds regarding what we need or think we need.  Even if we can articulate what we want from someone, they may be unable or unwilling to give it.  I am often guilty of expecting people to think, respond, and care deeply like I do, and I am just as often disappointed. 

I've been analyzing my expectations...of myself and others.  I am an optimistic person...filled with hope...knowing that the sun will come out tomorrow.  I've decided that my problem is where I put my hope and my expectations.  Putting my hope and expectations in humans isn't fair to me or to them...we will all be disappointed.  I choose to put my hope in Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith.  His plans are so much better than mine, and His thoughts are so much more amazing than mine!  He will never disappoint me! 

Lifelong Learner

I'm a high school biology teacher, so obviously, learning is important to me.  The older I get, the more I realize I don't know.  I have so much to learn, and so many things that need to change, that it can be disheartening at times.  I get tired of seeing my imperfections, insecurities, and failures rise up in front of me, but a new determination has also risen up.  I want to learn and grow in the experiences of my life.  I want to stop making the same mistakes over and over.  I want to become a better person; one who is closer to Jesus and lives like it.  I want to be a person who puts others first and gives unselfishly.  I want to be a person without insecurities, who lives wholeheartedly and without regrets.  Just writing it down, I feel overwhelmed by the changes that need to happen!

I was thinking about Bill Murray's movie "Groundhog Day".  What if life was like that?  What if we could repeat each day until we got it right?  I would still be stuck way back in my life!  I am so glad that each day is a clean slate; an opportunity to learn from the past and go on into the future with new knowledge!  I often say to students that you couldn't pay me enough money to go back to high school.  Truthfully, I wouldn't even go back to yesterday.  But, I do want to take the lessons that I've learned along the way with me.  That's part of why I write this blog...to help me process some of the lessons that I am learning and to make them a part of who I am.

Thankfully, I have the rest of my life to learn and become a better me.  When I quit growing and changing, it is time for my life to be over.  My life really is a journey and every step on the trail is leading me toward the summit.  It is probably going to take me a good long time to get to the top of the mountain of my life, but I want enjoy the climb and to learn from each step so that the next step can be more sure and strong.  I choose to walk the trail with Jesus and to learn from Him all the way to the top!

Perfect love casts out fear

It seems like every time I turn around, I am confronted with another fear.  My fears aren't the big things like fearing death or health problems or surgery.  My fears are irrational and intangible things like being excluded and forgotten, losing relationships, being hurt.  If you know me, you know that my life is all about relationships...I've even been called a "relationship nerd"!  (I claim that title proudly, by the way!)  Quality time with people is my top priority.  I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise to me that my greatest fears are directly correlated to my highest mission.  Those fears make me close my heart, draw back into the shadows, and try to protect myself from being hurt. 

I asked myself this weekend why all of these fears seem to be surfacing recently.  Several answers came to mind.  As I seek to be more like Jesus, my human shortcomings become more obvious.  My mission field and the impact that I make on the world around me is all through relationships.  I truly believe that God has made me and called me to make my mark on the world one person at a time...and that only comes by being in deeper relationships with people.  All that being said, of course there would be an attack of fear on my relationships. 

I've tried to deal with these fears humanly.  I've withdrawn from people I care about.  I've stopped communicating or I've communicated too much.  I've hidden or I've put myself in the middle of things.  (Have I ever mentioned that I am a person of extremes?!)  All of it has been done to protect myself from being hurt.  Has it worked?  Nope!  My way isn't the right way! 

I John 4:18 says, "There is NO fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love."  I know of only one place to find PERFECT LOVE!  I am so thankful that Jesus loves me with all my fears and flaws!  I choose to draw near to Him, where I will always belong, and let His love fill me!

Survivor

Webster's dictionary defines survive as: to remain alive or in existence; to continue to function or prosper.  That would make a survivor someone who does those things.  The word survivor became a part of my daily vocabulary during my cancer adventure.  I am a cancer survivor!  Amazing books have been written by others who have survived cancer, disease, injury (both physical and emotional), climbing Mount Everest, learning disabilities, divorce, abuse, eating disorders, family situations, addiction, and the list goes on.  I have come to believe that we are all survivors!  There doesn't have to be a spectacular story...although I also believe that everyone has a spectacular story about becoming the person that they are!  Life is full of trials...big and small...that make us the people that we are.  We each have our own story; our own journey.  My story didn't seem too exciting before it was invaded by cancer, but I realize now that I was already a survivor!  I survived college without being pulled into the drug and alcohol scene.  I survived emotional hurt from being a relationship person.  I survived my first years of teaching.  I survived living in Santa Cruz, CA for a summer with Campus Crusade for Christ.  None of those things seem terribly exciting, but all of them played a major part in making me the person that I am.  Everyone has a survivor story...and I love to hear people tell about the challenges that they have overcome and what they learned and still carry with them.  Maybe it's because I'm such a relationship person that I love to really know people and know their life stories and know their survivor tales.  If you are reading this, you are a survivor, and I'd love to hear your life story!

Why does it matter that we know what we have survived?  We survive so we can help others survive similar trials.  Everything happens for a reason and we all have mountain-days and deep, dark valley-days.  Everyone needs someone to walk along beside them and encourage them.  Who better to walk with than someone who has already walked the same road?  God is so good to bring people into my life who need to hear my life experience...my survivor story...and be encouraged that I survived and know that they can too!  And I am so very thankful for those who have walked beside me...my life has been truly blessed by real friends!   I encourage you to keep your eyes and ears open for people who need you to walk beside them...living the life of a survivor!