Being real

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day.  "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse.  "It's a thing that happens to you.  When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?"
"Sometimes." For he was always truthful.  "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up, or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once.  You become.  It takes a long time.  That's why it doesn't happen to people who break easily, or who have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.  Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.  But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."  from The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams

I have decided that the process of becoming real is life-long.  Sometimes it takes an interruption in our lives to make us realize that we want to be real.  Sometimes it happens so gradually that we open our eyes one day and realize that there is no turning back in this process of being real.  Sometimes it takes pain for us to realize that we are becoming real.  Whatever the case, being real requires relationships and being hurt.  To be real, we must love and be loved.  Being real means that our faults and our imperfections and our emotions show.  But to the people who really love us, those things don't matter.  They just make us more lovable.

Even though my heart's desire is to be REAL, I often struggle with "letting it all hang out".  There is risk involved...rejection, embarrassment, misunderstanding, and more hurt.  I risk being abandoned by people who don't understand or don't really care...and maybe I shouldn't see that as a great loss, but I do.  Maybe that hurt will help me along the path of becoming real.  In spite of the pain, I have come too far to turn back now.  At the end of my life, I want to smile like the Skin Horse and know that I am real!

Live intentionally, love deeply, laugh frequently

I boldly declared this to be my New Year's resolution a week ago.  My friend Robynn commented that I've been living this way as long as she has known me...quite a few years...and I hope that she is right.  Fourteen years ago, I lost my first grandparent quite suddenly.  Grandpa Dow was not the type to say "I love you" and I don't know that I had ever said "I love you" to him either.  I remember crying with my grandma at the hospital and asking her if Grandpa knew that I loved him.  She reassured me that he knew and that he loved me, and that was a turning point in my life.  I decided then and there to live with no regrets; to love deeply and let people know.  That fire was rekindled after my cancer adventure.  Facing an uncertain future slapped me up the side of the head with the reality that I had not been living very intentionally nor loving as deeply as I wanted to.  The truth is...none of us know when our last day here on Earth will be.  When I am gone, I don't want anyone to wonder if I loved them...I want them to KNOW without a doubt!  That being said, I don't say the words "I love you" lightly.  When I say them, I mean them, and I don't go around saying them to just anyone. 

As for living intentionally, it's time to take that up a notch!  I don't want to just be surviving this life...I want to leave a mark!  I want to make a positive impact on the lives of people around me...including my family and my students and my friends (which includes my colleagues!) and my community.   But, as I have written before, I want to enjoy the journey...and that's where laughing frequently comes in!  I don't want to get bogged down in the daily routines and live on auto-pilot.  I don't want to be so serious about life that I forget to enjoy it!  I want to be known as a person with a smile on her face and a joyous laugh and a hug that says even more than my words!

Balance

I am a person of extremes...an all or nothin' girl.  I am struggling to find middle ground; there has to be some balance.  Let me give you some examples from my life...
I drive people insane with my overcommunication or I am silent.
I am obsessed with having a clean house or I go for weeks without cleaning.
I am completely focused on school or completely focused on home...this is a problem when I happen to be physically present at the other one.
I am in the middle of everything or I am hiding in a closet.
My whole heart is in relationships or I completely pull away.
I am happy and joyful or sad and discouraged.
I am focused on others or focused on me.
I am going 100 miles an hour or I am asleep.  (I have a really hard time sitting and doing nothing!)

I think you get the point.  I know that God created me this way and He must have a purpose!  Maybe my real struggle for balance lies in the contrast between being human and being more like Jesus.  I had an epiphany this morning during church.  Jesus left heaven and perfection to come to imperfect Earth and be human.  What a sacrifice!  And yet, I can be certain that He understands my human failings because He triumphed over them!  Whenever I am disappointed, hurt, discouraged, confused, fearful, or any other of the emotions that I dislike, I can be confident that Jesus understands how I am feeling.  I am also convinced that He can help me get out of the pit of despair that I create for myself.  There is my answer...keep my eyes on Jesus and not on me...hold His hand as I walk through this life...and take Him with me wherever I go! 

Close to His heart

Isaiah 40:11 says, "He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart..."  That's where I want to live...close to the heart of my Father God.  I was thinking about this several weeks ago while I was holding my mom and dad's golden retriever puppy in my arms.  She snuggled up to me and put her head on my shoulder.  She was trusting, and peaceful, and she knew that she was safe in my arms.  She was content in my arms for about 20 minutes and then she started wiggling to get down.  When I set her on the ground, she took off running to see what was going on around her.
I am so much like a puppy when it comes to my relationship with God.  I love to be close to His heart and listening to what He has to say to me.  I love to feel the peace, and love, and joy that are in His presence.  But, for some reason, I think I need to wiggle out of His arms and check out what is happening in the world around me.  More often than not, my little sojourns leave me frustrated, insecure, and fearful.  Why would I want to leave God's loving arms?  I am struggling with that question.  It seems so simple, and yet, it is so hard for me to stay there.  I need to remember who God is and who I am.  He is the Good Shepherd and I am His little lamb.  Held in His arms and close to His heart is where I want to stay!