This is me...

This morning I wished to be an artist who could express her deep feelings in paintings or sculpture that people would see and try to understand.  This morning I wished to be a songwriter who could express her soul with music that people would listen to and appreciate.  But, this is me...I am an intense woman of words, both written and spoken.  Sometimes that intensity is too much for people.  I'm sorry, but not really, because I am fearfully and wonderfully made by God.

I'm in a season of change.  I'm so grateful for the constants in my life...Jesus, my amazing husband, Christopher, my family. Change makes me feel unbalanced and shaken and uneasy and sad.  I often reach out for someone to steady me and keep me from falling, but sometimes I fall anyway.  There are pain and tears and sadness and healing that must happen...I don't like that.  It's uncomfortable and I feel it deeply.  Must I fall?  Couldn't I just be a superficial person so that the wounds don't hurt so much and the healing happens more quickly?  Why can't I be my own rock, my own island, my own stability?

This is me...I am a deep person.  I have deep relationships.  I feel deep sadness and deep joy and deep love.  I look for symbolism and deeper meaning in everything.

This is me...I must express my life and my feelings, both good and bad, with words.  If I don't, I might self-destruct.

This is me...I need people.  I must have meaningful connection with people, even though it causes hurt and disappointment.

This is me...I will find the silver lining in every cloud eventually.  I will learn a life lesson from every situation.

I learned lessons from Robin Williams.  Even a person as deeply loved as he was sometimes can't feel it through the darkness and desperation.  A person who is used to being strong for others might not know how to ask for help.  Sometimes those cries for help aren't heard or they are ignored and brushed off.  I think about these things...and learn.

Lessons for living.  Living, following Jesus, choosing life and hope, finding meaning, loving, learning, changing, finding people who want to travel this road with me.  This is me.